No Blandish for Miss Orchids
By Gerry.
Published: July 7, 2008
Updated: July 7, 2008

No Blandish for Miss Orchids,
These words just bring such pain.
No Blandish for Miss Orchids,
Does she just wait in vain?

Her Friends have now all got one.
And they always bring such glee.
But No Blandish for Miss Orchids,
Why does this have to be?

She knows about the Blandish
The things that it can do---
The Blandish is so versatile
And does amazing things for you.
The girls don’t come around much now,
Just too busy with their thing---
But Miss Orchids knows their progress,
And the wonders it can bring.

Miss Orchids was now desperate
Eyes never left her gate---
Friends won’t share their Blandish.
She must bear the pain and wait.

But then the magic day arrived,
The postman she did spy---
Walking down her garden path,
With a twinkle in his eye.

Miss Orchids hand was shaking
As the form she tried to sign.
Then she gently took the box,
‘At last, at last it’s mine’.

She carefully unwrapped the box,
And the Blandish came in view.
She just sat down and stared at it,
Her prayers had all come true.

No more drugs or drinking---
No more men, or fear.
No more doubts or sorrow,
Her heaven is now here.

So Miss Orchids has her Blandish now,
It’s resting in her hand.
Miss Orchids has her Blandish now,
Isn’t life just grand?

A dear friend of mine worked on the original development of the Blandish. He has a prototype, which he is prepared to put up for offer.

So Ladies here is perhaps your only chance to own one. Send a full length picture of yourself (you know what kind) Stating just what you are prepared to offer.

All sensible offers considered

Any response will be reported here...


‘The Blandish’ By way of explanation; and competition results---

Whilst on my recent holiday in the sun, I came across a book by James Hadley Chase (Rene Brabazon Raymond) in the hotel library. The book was called “Believe this…and you will believe anything”. Later whilst laying on my patio in the glorious sunshine and sipping an ice cold Peach Schnapps, my mind went back to the first published book by this author. It was called ‘No Orchids for Miss Blandish’. Before I could say Jack Robinson I had a hotel note pad in my hand and I was scribbling a poem. I think the rustling of the palm trees, and gently rolling surf also helped me somewhat.

So now, a little about the author: - He was born in Ealing London in 1906, and was a travelling salesman before becoming a book wholesaler. He wrote his first book in 1939. The American scene heavily influenced him, although he apparently only went there twice in his life. His books reflect this influence. He wrote over forty thrillers and ‘No Orchids’ is still acclaimed as one of the best thrillers ever published. He served in the Royal Air Force during the war as a Pilot achieving the rank of Squadron Leader. He wrote under different names, you might have encountered him as: -
James L Docherty
Ambrose Grant.
Raymond Marshall
Rene Raymond.
His book titles were stunning, such as--
“Try this one for size”
“Hit them where it hurts”
“Do me a favour, Drop dead”
“You can say that again”

 Many had an alternative title.
“No Orchids for Miss Blandish” was also “The villain and the virgin.
James H Chase died in 1985.

Now about your responses.

Ladies First.

You must believe me---the private messages I received took me completely by surprise. The suggestions as to what you thought a Blandish was had me blushing. There was no way I had anything like that in mind when I wrote this little poem. How can the (thing) you described, stop a lady having doubts or sorrow? Or even stop her taking drugs or drinking? Please ladies, what are you thinking?

I must say, the photo’s you sent in were amazing! I never expected anything like these. I suspect they were all done on self-timer digital cameras. I was particularly impressed, by the pictures that the more mature ladies sent in. Well---impressed is not quite the word, I was astounded! You really should be quite proud of yourselves.

Doctor Faust has asked me to tell you he was delighted with them.
He also told me that the extras you were prepared to offer pleased him immensely although he wouldn’t disclose them to me. I can tell you though that he is not easily pleased!

The star picture though, and the winner of the ‘Blandish’ goes to a stunning young lady, who of course has to remain anonymous. Her picture could only be described at astonishing. You will by now be aware of who you are. I cannot help but think that you got the wrong end of the stick though---metaphorically speaking (no pun intended). That picture though! my goodness, just how on earth did you manage to do that? Doctor Faust wants you to send him your address so he can present the ‘Blandish’ to you personally, and demonstrate it. You know how to contact him.

Now Gentlemen.

I have been inundated with both private messages, and e-mails asking me to let you see the pictures. So many in fact, that it will be impossible for me to answer them all. So my apologies now if you don’t receive a reply.
I know how disappointed you will be when I tell you that I will not be able to release them. I just feel that it would not be fair to the ladies, having this kind of personal picture passed around for all to see.

Yes, I know you all said that it was only the artistic angle you were interested in, however I cannot help but feel you may have been interested in other angles also. Please believe me when I say that they were all superb stunning pictures. I will of course do what the ladies asked and destroy them if they were not successful in winning the Blandish.

And please gentlemen no more bribes, I agree that I could do with the money, and the offers are very generous, but I cannot be bought off. (Not for that amount anyway)---I can do much better, oops what am I saying?

PS and for you ladies who looked up Blandish in the dictionary---whilst it may well mean to ‘flatter, coax and cajole’ these things are only a very minor part of the repertoire of our Blandish---believe me…