By James C. Brenthal
Published: October 16, 2007
Although she may have looked the part,
Cinderella was a tart.
Day in, day out, another lover.
The stress of it killed her poor mother.
So her father upped and said:
"My ever loving wife is dead,
"I need a new and guiding wife
To show my girl a proper life."
He found the kind Edna O'Sneller,
Who sought to help young Cinderella.
But, alas, he caught rubella
And died (he's buried in the cellar).
Now Cindy, aware of her good looks,
Was listed in some shifty books.
She brought strange men home every night;
Gave her prim stepsisters a fright!
Those stepsisters, called Anne and Dee,
Were as kind as kind could be,
But their mother's face was terrible,
And it seems that was inheritable.
So they were not aesthetically privileged
(Unlike Cindy, who was frivolous)
And they never found a fella
(As remarked by Cinderella).
Poor Anne and Dee were quite upset.
Their standards – low – had not been met,
And at the age of 23
Their urges were extremely
High. Cindy got through lots of men,
But never were there some for them.
Their mother saw this, got malnourished,
Stressed and said: "She must be punished!"
("She" of course was Cinderella,
Who gave her step mum salmonella.)
Thus, Edna said, "Please sweep the floors."
Aside: "That's the best job for whores."
Aloud, though: "My dear, you must learn
"There's a fine line you must discern
"Between what's good and what's immoral;
"Now come along, and let's not quarrel..."
Cindy cried, "You're such a dame!
"Your punishments are inhumane!"
But, grudgingly, her part she played
By sweeping up the mess she'd made.
Then the post came, she percepted it,
And feeling smart she intercepted it.
"Well, well well," she said, "Let's see
"What letters are for step mummy."
So through the Royal Mail she skimmed,
And then she saw something. She grinned.
"It seems the Prince of Wales will hold
"A ball for women young and old,
"To come and feed him food from pyrex.
"One will marry His Royal Highness!"
Continuing, the letter said:
"One day the prince will be the Head
"Of State; a girl will be his Queen.
"He'll chose you if you're eyes aren't green."
Cinderella quickly swore.
"Just ‘cos I'm a green-eyed whore,
"I can't marry this rich man,
"But my blue-eyed sisters can...
"And my step mum," said Cinderella.
"Won't it be fun not to tell ‘er?"
She tore the envelope in two,
And said, "I'm off to B and Q."
But really she went to Specsavers
(Who also manufacture Quavers)
And there she began to flirt.
She temptingly raised up her skirt.
The optician was astute.
He saw she was a prostitute.
He tried to give her lots of cheques,
In order to pay for her sex.
But "no" she said. He couldn't discern
Quite what she wanted in return.
She pointed to blue contact lenses,
And then she said, "I want themses."
Then she had her wicked way
And took the false eyes for her pay.
Now she needed a posh dress.
Her current clothes were quite a mess.
Meanwhile, cleaning with the hoover
(Quite a difficult manouver)
Cinderella's step mum found
Scraps of letter on the ground.
She made the bits coher and read
Exactly what the letter said.
"The prince is having a ball!" she snorted
"Maybe my girls are not thwarted."
The grand day came, a ball was held.
Women came from round the world.
Step mum and sisters went to the palace.
Cinderella was drenched in malice.
She still hadn't got a frock,
Only a disgusting smock.
Now, she felt, was a good time
To call on godmum Madeline.
Madeline was old and airy.
Actually, she was a fairy
And nothing got her favour quicker
Than quantities of gin and liquor.
Cinderella gave her much
And lots and lots of homemade fudge.
"I've kept my side," she quickly said.
"Now to the ball I must be led."
Her eyes lit up as she declared
Exactly what she'd like to wear.
"I want a pair of glitter slippers,
"And a crop top fit for Jack the Ripper!
"That way, with a golden carriage,
"The prince is sure to give me marriage!"
She batted both her eyes and grinned,
Knowing that she'd nearly sinned.
"Magic god mum," she then said.
‘Make my carriage gold and red."
"Do it yourself, you country bumpkin,"
Said the fairy. "Here's a pumpkin."
Cindy didn't look impressed.
She grimaced. "Dear, I know you're stressed,
"But get a bloody move on, bitch,
"Make a coach and make me rich."
The fairy god mum nearly cried,
But dutifully she obliged
And made the pumpkin look all pretty.
A coach to take her to the city.
Cindy rolled up, her dress glistened.
But, alas, she hadn't listened
To her godmother who warned,
"At 12 o'clock it will reform."
Cinderella saw the prince,
Crossed the dance floor with a mince,
And began to thrust on him
Her shapely body – she was slim.
But the prince was more inclined
To go for girls with big behinds.
He pushed the whore off and advanced
To ugly sister Anne. They danced.
It was love, love at first sight.
The prince and Anne danced all the night.
Cinderella left the palace
At 1 am, quite full of malice.
She stole her stepsister's old car
And travelled it to places far.
This meant that Anne had to run.
She left the party. "It was fun".
"Come back!" cried out the Prince of Wales.
"You're the best of all females.
"Yes, my dear, you may be hideous,
"But your charm is quite insidious."
True love was never stronger,
Nor destined to last much longer
Than the prince's must have been
For Anne. He said, "She'll be my queen!"
Anne, I hardly need to mention,
Wasn't used to such attention.
Scared, she grabbed at her umbrella,
And ran back home, to Cinderella.
Cindy said: "You ugly tart!
"Your mum said that I'm not to start,
"But can't you see I'm broken hearted?
"You stole my prince and then departed."
Adding, "I stole your car, alright,
"Because it was past midnight.
"Were I a fish I'd flip my flipper.
"What've you done with your old slipper?"
She looked down at her stepsister's
Foot, covert in warts and blisters.
The shoe was gone, the foot exposed.
And also scum between the toes.
"Oh dear," said Anne. "That is a pity.
"I must have left it in the city,
"When I was running from the ball.
"That was my favourite one and all..."
Meanwhile, the Prince of Wales had found
Something mouldy on the ground.
He picked it up and measured it.
"There's only one girl this could fit!"
He added, "the girl I adore,
"Who ran away at 10 to 4.
"She must have dropped her shoe as she
"Ran to get away from me."
Fearing a new pay reduction,
Staff applauded this deduction.
The prince turned to his secretary
And told him he was tired out. Very.
"Would you be a star and take
"This charming shoe across the lake?
"There, go and knock at every house,
"And find this girl – my future spouse."
"But, highness, sir, how can we tell
"which one is the proper girl?"
The prince said, breaking rules of class,
"My girl has got the biggest arse."
As an afterthought he put
In these words: "Look at her foot,
"And make her try this slipper on it.
"It it fits, it's her one, innit?"
Despite an air of grave dubiety,
Remembering their high society
Employer, staff again all cheered,
And said, "That's clever, prince, m'dear."
With an angry loyal frown,
The servants went all round the town,
And every maiden did her bit,
And tried the shoe. It didn't fit.
At last the house of Ms. O'Sneller
(Stepmother to Cinderella)
Was reached by the grand procession.
She said: "I've got a confession...
"... I think that is my daughter's shoe.
"My daughter Anne is one of two.
"But come, Your Grace, and have some tea.
"I'll tell you more about old me."
His Grace Sir John was a very
He left the footwear in the hall,
Where Cinderella paid a call.
She saw and swiped the largish shoe,
Discreetly flushed it down the loo
And in it's place she snidely put
A glass slipper form her own foot.
Then she cried out: "Oh, what's there?
"My old slipper, I declare!
"Now if correctly I recall,
"I last had it at the ball."
Cindy, though used to the mattress,
Was really an accomplished actress.
Sir John, the secretary, heard,
And ran out to her, said: "My word!"
Then: "I'm sure that's not the shoe,
"But I'm, much less sharp than you.
"I'll take your word. Come on, don't fuss,
"Otherwise we'll miss the bus."
They caught the bus down to the pub,
Where the prince, amid hubbub,
Was waiting in a thick disguise.
He couldn't believe his eyed.
"That's not the girl!" He declared
So loudly Cindy got quite scared.
"I'll go and find the girl myself."
He took a phonebook from the shelf.
"I think she said her name was Anne.
"Anne O'Sneller. Here's the one!"
Sir John, annoyed, got quite profain.
"You didn't say you knew her name!"
"How dare you answer back, old man?"
The prince cried out. "You're fired, Dan!"
(For some reason he never got
First names correct. Well not a lot).
Cindy said, "What John deserves is
"Incessant hire of my services."
So they went off in the night,
To what Sir John said was "alright".
Anyway, the prince had run
To Edna, Anne and Dee's old mum.
He said: "I think I'll wed your daughter."
Edna said, "Oh yes, you oughta."
So they were wed; she got her fella,
Unlike little Cinderella,
Who got locked in the cellar,
THE END – COPYRIGHT © JAMES C. BERNTHAL FEBRUARY 2006
James was born in August 1989 and has been published in The Dandy, ThrillerUK, Thirteen Magazine, the Taj Mahal Review, the Gorleston Gazette, Twisted Tongue and Majesty Magazine. He is president of the Agatha Christie Appreciation League and is reading Creative Writing and Theatre Studies at the University of Chester.
You can email him at infoATjamescbernthal.co.uk or visit his website: www.jamescbernthal.co.uk